Boundaries-Part Three   1 comment

Why a Defense Doesn’t Work -Kandis Twa

So, finally we come to it….what is a boundary?

Well, I had no idea.

My first strategy in life was to have no boundaries at all because I didn’t even know that they existed. We call this strategy the self sacrificing doormat. Whether you know you have made this decision or not, you soon find out it doesn’t work so well. So, I adopted an entirely new strategy where a boundary became a line in the sand, an ultimatum, conditions, standards, or rules about how I was going to be treated. This sounded appropriate to me because I had experienced tears in my energy field when others had violated my boundaries and I soon decided that I was not about to let that happen again. In this new strategy I didn’t just have a fence around my boundaries; I had the Berlin Wall, complete with armed guards and sniffer dogs.

At this point in my life I was drawing a box around everyone in my life called expectations. The irony is that I didn’t even know that I had adopted this communist bloc strategy and so there was no way that I could communicate to others what these expectations actually were. Recipe for disaster.  Anyone that stepped outside of my colour inside the lines code of conduct, made me mad. Not in a confrontational way, more in a How could they? They should have known that wearing green to my party is so insensitive, and if they were really my friend they would instantly know this and immediately go home and change. I had hurt feelings but I had no wayof being able to express this or to clarify it with others.

So, I held onto to this hurt because I only had two strategies in my toolkit and this one was called defended. Defended would be when someone hurts your feelings and now you are just angry and yelling back at them.  So, defended or doormat, those were my core competencies. Are these healthy ways to have boundaries? No. Are they effective? Sort of.  Did I know another way? No. I knew, of course, on some level that it is important to stand up for yourself, but I was scared that people wouldn’t like me if I did. This of course is not true, but it sure felt true. Defended on the other hand, is just that, it is a defense mechanism, and I’ve decided that defending myself from life is not the path that I want.

I choose a different path.  Learning a different way to clarify and establish boundaries is a challenging and takes a fair bit of courage. I am learning some good lessons and new strategies which I will share as the adventure continues. In the meantime, feel free to drop us a line or leave me a comment. Love to hear about what resonates with you all!

Boundaries-Part One

Boundaries-Part Two

Boundaries-A Little Science

More by Kandis Twa


Posted December 13, 2010 by Kandis Twa in Boundaries, Kandis Twa

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One response to “Boundaries-Part Three

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  1. I am staying tuned.

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